On the journey to finding my personal pursuit of happiness…
So Positive, so brave, happy all the time and you are so happy all the time… From when I was little I have gone through life hearing these phrases on a regular basis. Of course while I am very appreciative of these lovely compliments, there was always an increasing feeling in my mind asking myself if I deserved those praises?, were they really true?. Of course there was the stereotypical thought “they were only saying that because I am disabled” but as the years went on I questioned if these people saw what was happening online and what I could have potentially done to another human life would they be saying the same.
To be honest, I have been tossing up whether to write this blog for a long time now. Not because I want to keep everything a secret, but because I’m still confused about what my role is in everything, whether my actions were either wrong or right, even was it really the end?. Apart from that, I guess the reason I have decided to “suck it up” and write it all down is because, I know that there’s people out there in that black hole that i was in only a few months ago. Especially even if they are having those same horrible, crippling and worrying feelings about someone as I did for years. You really need to know that you are not crazy no matter what! trust that inner worry, no matter how dramatic it may seem.
Ok here we go…Our story started just like in any other ‘love story’, many years ago in primary school. Even though I can’t remember our exact “meeting”. I definitely do remember that he came to me. He always was by my side making jokes, looking into my eyes so lovingly and just smiling. Something that has been always been with me, sometimes every second of the day, is his unexplainable amazing hugs and his words “I’ll miss you too”. He said this on his last day of school, right before he left the gates for the last time, not knowing where he was moving to. Looking back now, I realise he really was the love of my life. However hurtful and soul wrenching it became, it has been these exact moments that have literally followed me nearly every minute of the rest of my life. I just miss them so much more as every second goes by.
Now, I thought the best and quickest way to describe this next part is through patterns of weather. Firstly the brewing storm. It started about 3 years later, when I was in year 9. At the time, I found it plain weird, I just couldn’t get this boy out of my head even though we had not seen each other in years. As these years went on the brewing storm got even stronger. I knew I desperately needed to find him, so about two years later I did what everyone was doing at the time, searching his name on Facebook. This took me about three attempts until finally, I could see a ray of sunshine! I was staring at an all too familiar face on my screen. I finally found him. Of course my mind went wild, this was it! It was all over! I finally found him, so I clicked on the “Add Friend button”, Not knowing the storm was just beginning to rumble.
I knew something was wrong from the start. The storm roared closer, days passed and he did accept my request. But no messages. About eight months after my sent friend request, I received just one single message. “Happy New Year” but to Admit even that was amazing at the time. Unfortunately, little did I know this was only the early beginnings of this gigantic storm. Those dark rain clouds just kept growing as the claps of thunder rolled in.
CLAP as he got a girlfriend,
CLAP as he had a child,
CLAP a weird messaging skype session I had with him.
I started to know something really wasn’t right by now.
CLAP when he didn’t message for years after I finally told him I had feelings for him.
The now black storm clouds came rolling in. I somehow knew I needed to contact him.
Somehow I knew I had to contact someone who was already in contact with him, family, friends, anyone! I knew that something was definitely wrong. he was NOT okay!
Of course, as time went on I tried so hard to press down these feelings. I told myself: “it’s just because I want a corny love story like in the movies”, “I’m an immature little girl”, “should i be contacting someone with a girlfriend?”, “how can I keep contact with a father of two children?”. But still the storm kept raging on, a lot of things happened. Things I am not proud about, even today. Once I overheard a background comment, that was finally his actual voice, from him about me being in a wheelchair after I found myself messaging his friend, Who i asked the same question, I must have asked him over a thousand times WAS HE OKAY?
That gigantic storm was now surrounding me. The worst possible storm I could of imagined. Two days after I returned home from a life changing trip in Byron Bay in 2016. I was at home in the morning casually watching T.V, then all of a sudden out the blue his friend messaged me. All I saw straight away was “committed suicide today”. I was in complete shock. I was right in the worst possible way I ever imagined. I saw my future crumbling, just crumbling before my eyes. It was the worst news I could have ever be told. I wasn’t going to hold, hug or even talk things out with him ever again. I was completely alone. I feel like he chose to leave me.
The storm continued rumbling as it slowly passed me. The first smaller rumble was when I found this Facebook comment from his mother-in-law suggesting that this happened because his current girlfriend left him. I tried not getting jealous, but I had to question myself, was I the reason she left him?, was I messaging him too much?, what was the reason she left?, do I deserve to move forward?, how do I move forward? Or, If I followed him would he ignore me again?. Let’s just say it is purely because I couldn’t physically follow him as I’m physically unable to do what he did. That’s the main reason I am here today.
My whole life I have been surrounded by great family and friends, however I truly understood their meaning and love as a part of my life not long after the horrible storm had finally passed. I began stressing everyone out, as well as this horrific storm hitting my life, my body was letting me down a little and I needed to have surgery. I had people visiting from all over, some even drove half a day. Others sent me gifts and more called me and messaged me. The support came flooding in from everywhere. I quickly realised that I do matter! I could survive here on my own! I had the love and support off of everyone I had ever known. I surely couldn’t let down this many amazing people could I?.
I began to see life in a whole new way, I began to live in the moment and accept things how they are, rather than dwelling on what could be or what if. The same as all humans, I still have my down days. Days go by and all I want to do is hug him again. But I pick myself up, dust myself off and remember that one day the cute twelve year old us will be together once again of course also surrounded by the incredible army of people I have met during my life.